consider this a life recap, for those of you who only knew me for the past few years. Because trust me, there are a lot of you.
Many might think: "why Sigtuna? That's a posh place to live, does she think she's better than us?" No. This was not my first choice. But things happen for a reason, you know. (And if you judge someone based on where the person lives, then you have a problem). From having no place to live to get a full contract - you can't imagine what that's like when you have no safety net and your family lives 600 kilometers away.
The beginning of my Stockholm Story
It began when I left Växjö in 2005, in search for a fresh start. Växjö had nothing to offer me anymore. So it was a choice between work in Stockholm or study in Gothenburg. And I got the job.
My first job in Stockholm gave me accommodation. It was nice but short-lived. But in that time, I met people. Guys. Finally one guy made me feel safe. But I wasn't really in love. My plan was always to continue. I was still in my early twenties. And the time came when I was ready for more, I made it clear I wasn't ready to settle down. So I moved out, after three years.
I was back to couch-surfing, more or less. I had a lot of baggage to carry around, everywhere I moved. 4 months here, 3 months there, 6 months there ... life was a mess, but I was still happy, almost without knowing it. Even if my longing for true love brought me to a lot of dead ends, I never doubted that I'd find it one day. I had hope.
I started studying Informatik at Södertörns Högskola in 2008. At the time, I had no idea that this class was going to change my fate to such extent. No, my future boyfriend was NOT in that class. But his best friend was.
The beginning of my current relationship
My life was still a mess. I had studies, but hadn't had a real home in six years. Was I desperate? Maybe, maybe not, but this time everything was right. After so many fake relationships, this was the real one. I could tell. The problem was, he still lived with his parents.
Ask any of my previous boyfriends - I am not good with family. So of course I get nervous. I didn't want to screw this one up. But of course, things got screwed up. And of course I was head over heels when we finally managed to get our own appartment! This was like heaven on earth. Finally: no more running away, no more worrying about finding a partner, no more deadlines, no more economic worries. Isn't that what every person dreams of? I had also time to persue my hobbies again. I was happier than ever - I was finally PROUD. Because I came so far, had to deal with so much trouble, and now things would never be the same again.
That was true, but not in a positive sense. Don't get me wrong, I love my partner and he loves me. Today, we both have work and I even have the previlige to work from home. But the damage I had to go through to keep this relationship ... it's been hell. So many new people, all of them judging me, making assumptions about me ...
about my problems
1. I always met new people because I never stayed in one place. Even when I was a kid, my parents moved from one place to another. I couldn't take new friendships seriously because I almost never got anything out of them. Only romances had positive impact in my life, and life made me believe others were not to be trusted and that friendship was overrated. It has made me into who I am, and I can't change that. But that doesnt mean I want enemies.
2. I don't hold my head up high to look down on you, I do it because I have a lazy eye. Tilting my head makes me able to see you clearly, instead of seeing double. Also, my vision is -3,25/-3,75. So yeah, I have bad eye-sight, OK? And I couldnt always afford contact lenses. Plus, lenses can't help against my lazy eye. Growing up, I was teased for my lazy eye, so it became a habit to look away. That pretty much sums up why I was often in my own world without noticing what's going on around me. I therefor have a difficulty recognizing other people.
3. I have social anxiety. I am not ignoring people because I want to be rude, I am avoiding to meet people when I go out because I am used to being picked on as soon as I show my face anywhere. I am not used to having people coming up to me with a happy face, unless they're laughing at me. I feel more confident when I am with somebody else, but sometimes I still disappear into my own thoughts, forgetting that people are around me, not responding because I assume no one is talking to me because I assume no one cares about me, but just about my friend.
4. When I feel that a moment is getting awkward, I need to break the silence. I can't stand the awkward silence, I need an ice-breaker. Never to harm, just to lighten the situation. Not appreciated by all people. Because I usually don't know the people around me good enough to say whatever, because someone might always get offended (even if they shouldn't, so typical swedish to be afraid of conflict). This can also happen when I start feeling more confident in a crowd, I tend to jump to deeper discussion, before even knowing their last name. Becasue I hate small talk. I don't see this as a bad thing. I recently found out this is a HSP trait.
5. Because of my childhood, whenever I feel like a person is not being honest with me, I will shut that person out completely. If I feel that there is something a person is not telling me, I will judge that person as fake or a liar, no matter what the person's intentions are. It might sound harch but that's because I hate lies and false rumors. If you have a problem - say it to me, not to anyone else. If you still want to be my friend after something like that, you need to work or prove it to me that you deserve my attention. Because I've had so much people wasting my time.
Without knowing these things about me, people tend to misunderstand the way I am. And having to explain myself to all these people would take forever.
conclusion
I'm not saying I don't love my life, but my depression still has its grip on me. Small arguments are made into huge problems in my mind, for no reason. I didn't use to be like this. But I guess somewhere along the line, I couldn't take anymore. So why do I keep getting into new situations when my mind hasn't dealt with the previous one? I guess I bring drama because I speak my mind. I wouldn't be my self if I didn't speak my mind. And if I'm not myself, I'm not happy. So I guess it's a vicious circle.
I am an open-minded person. I don't like people who just listen to one kind of music. Subcultures are like religion. And I don't like religion. I also despise all kind of bullying, obviously, because I was a subject to it for so many years. People might see me as gullible, but I call it expecting people to actually be kind-hearted. So being called a rude mean girl was something I never thought would happen. But I guess that is what pride / confidence looks like to weak people. I was weak all my life, and it made me strong. But not strong enough to take too much bullshitting. And that is why I got depressed. And now it's been over two years. But for me, time stands still. What have I learned? I have learned what hate feels like. I have learned the true nature of society. Politics.
And people call me naive for choosing to live in a happy bubble? No. Screw you. Seriously. I had enough shit. We all deserve to be happy but we can't help others unless helping ourselves first. I do my best to love every day of my life, even when it's hard. I get a headache just by thinking about all the injustice I face every week, about all immaturity I see in other people. But I don't give up. I lost my hope two years ago but I found it again, and I know now not to take it for granted.
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