When I found this text a few days ago, I was astonished by how much of her feelings were so very similar to my own. But it also made me realize that things obvious to me might not be obvious to others. That is why I decided to make this blog entry, to spread the word AND to share another part of my own story.
When I was 19, I had the world's greatest self-asteem. For real. I didn't think so much about what others thought of me. I thought it was fun with clothes and exciting with boys, but I always followed my own opinions about what I thought looked good.
But something happened. Because sometimes during the following ten years, a feeling of not being enough came crawling. I recently turned 30, and even if I've seen myself as a grown-up for many years, my self-asteem is lower than ever. I wonder: if I, as an immature teenager, could find myself perfect - how come I can have a much lower self-image as an educated, independent woman? Do I look at myself more critically now than I did back then? Shouldn't it be the other way around, that self-asteem raises with age? Since when did it start to go the other way?
Was it when websites like snyggast.nu was created and we suddenly could see who got the most points? Was it when I moved to Stockholm? Was it when everything suddenly had to be shown on Facebook? When all photos that didn't turn out well could be deleted and just the best was shown? Was it when I started to follow one of Sweden's most famous bloggers and started to compare my life, happiness and success to hers? Or is it a combination of everything, like a glass which is slowly filled up? How is it that no matter how good others tell me I look, I've never found myself perfect? The subconscious image of "perfect", that is. Because unfortunately, it exists. Everywhere, all the time.
And who do I want to be "perfect" for? I am totally convinced that my friends, family and boyfriend (in other words, people who mean the most to me) love every centimeter of me, with or without make-up. WHO AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR?
Personal traits are what's most beautiful, we all know that. So why can't I look at myself that way? People tell me I'm good enough as I am, but I have a hard time believing it. I have my own two eyes to see. I've heard encouraging lines like "even people who seem perfect have problems" and "it's really what's inside that counts" so many times, and I agree, but it just doesn't work. Not for me.
But I've started to realize that people act as if everything was a beauty contest. Girls see each other as opponents, as if there can only be one winner. The better I look, the uglier someone else feels. Because we all compare ourselves, and when we see what the other person has that we don't, we get jealous. As if we can't have the same thing at once.
The problem becomes even greater when we compare ourselves with unrealistic images and edited ideals. There are many videos on YouTube, showing how to fake a photo or a video with editing software. As for me, since I work with image editing and because it was a part of my education, I've been so used to it that I almost forget that others may not realize these things. That's why it's so great to see it when videos like these go viral. It makes people realize that there is an unconscious image of what perfect looks like. It gives them at least ONE explanation of from where the unachievable image comes from.
People need to realize that it's not a competition. Just because someone else looks good, it doesn't mean that you're not. That is why I still always go after my own taste of clothes, no matter what others may think. And it makes me happy when I find others who share the same taste. Instead of feeling ugly, I take other people's styles as inspiration. It doesn't guarantee self-asteem, but I believe it's a first step towards a healthy relationship with yourself.
Once again, big thanks to Linnea Isaksson at VeckoRevyn. If anyone would like a very short summary of my life, visit the real-life-story tag on Tumblr. Or if for some reason someone would be more interested in my personal (and sometimes overly emotional) rambles, use my thoughts only tag here on blogspot.
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO EVER ENCOURAGED ME.
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