powerlessness

I hate that feeling.
I don't want it,
I need to feel like I'm making a difference
for my self, at least.
Sometimes I feel like
I couldn't care less about other people.
As long as I have one person,
I don't need anyone else.
Unless it's an unstable relationship,
then I need someone to run to.
For example, when I was a teen,
and I lived with my mom,
each time we had a big fight,
I ran off to my dad's place.
Having divorced parents
can be good sometimes, eh?
But then it kind of escalated.
I got myself several homes,
telling myself each time I left one place,
that I didn't need it
and that the place I was heading for
would be much better
and solve everything.
I've basically lived according to the
'the grass is always greener' theory
for a very long time,
and if I look at recent years,
even after my teens,
I see the same patterns.
Sensing a sense of security in one person,
and when something bad happens,
I run away to the other 'better' option.
it's a state of mind,
a kind of switch,
telling me I don't need what I just had,
telling me, 'if only ...'
not just with people,
but also with stages in life.
when will this stop?
One aspect might already have stopped.
I no longer feel the need of two people,
but there is a downside to that:
I can't be alone anymore,
I break down.
Because when he's gone,
no one else can fill that gap.
I used to enjoy my alone-time,
but recently there's too much of it,
not that I feel rejected,
but life's necessities make it like that,
we can't be together twentyfour seven,
that's normal.
but then why can't I be alone anymore?
maybe because the meaning has changed,
I'm no longer feeling alone,
I am simply alone,
not the other way around.
also,
I believe my alone time has been spent
doing things I no longer want to do,
but fate seems to want it to go on,
destiny doesn't give me a choice.
destiny.
I've come to start disliking that word,
just like the word 'angel' a few years ago,
which I still use much less nowadays.
angels and destiny,
two magical words
which have had their true meaning destroyed,
by circumstance.
the meaning has changed.
my life has changed.
i have changed.
you think i always change?
those who understand me know that's not true.
I'm lucky i have that one person,
I'm lucky i found someone
who I don't have to explain myself to,
for every little thing.
who doesn't bring me down,
every single day.
who appreciates me for who I am,
even more than I appreciate myself.
I'm so lucky.
then why am I crying?
I think I know,
no, I'm not having second thoughts.
I'm crying because I'm scared.
how could something be so perfect?
it was so easy right away,
the only problem is
(yes, there's always a problem)
other people.
yes. there you have it again.
we close ourselves in,
and blame others.
just like I've always done.
the only difference is,
I never blame him.
ever.
We're stuck in the same wavelength,
and we could stay here forever.